My heart is telling me to give you everything
by Anne Holly
Summary: Hermione Granger's love confession to the married Remus Lupin. A bitter, guileful, and remorseful assertion of a morally twisted love. Directly related to Remus's confessions, Burning Goddess.
1. Chapter 1

This story is almost a second chapter to my "Burning Goddess" story. Reviews would be very helpful. Here you go...

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_**Yes, your married.**_ I don't care. I love you, but I cannot tell you, even though, I know you love me back. I wish you wouldn't love me, then at least my heart would feel the bitter emptiness and hopefully forget about you. Your love has kept me from shutting down thought. It has kept me from closing the door on you as well. Your love runs so deep that if it were a cut on you, you would be dead already. I know you do not love your wife as you love me. I know. Your wife is so beautiful and charming, but I know I am the one for you. I was the one for you since the day I saw you standing next to the wobbling wardrobe. Yes you are twenty five years my senior, but I don't care. I couldn't care less.

I would never ask you to _**leave your wife.**_ She needs you emotionally and physically while I only need you to be somewhere near my life. If you ever left your wife for me, I would never forgive you. She loves you so. The idea is unthinkable. When I heard the news that she was pregnant, I died a little inside. Some part of me bid me goodbye, and left me to face you. I had to congratulate you although we both knew that it was far from pleasant. You looked so upset while she was glowing with pride, the pride of having your child. I would look down at her swollen belly think about the growing baby inside. I would think about the baby as my own.: the creation of our love. She would laugh and I would wake up and remember that the baby was the creation of your love. A jealous monster inside of me would roar.

Yes that was why we "_did it" _that night. I knew you were coming over, and I knew that I wanted you more than anything. I still feel guilty for seducing you, but I could not help it. You would never be mine after the_** baby comes**_.

I remember you were at my door with a **_chocolate cake_**. I lead you into the family room, where you sat down on my brown coach. I sliced the treacherous cake you bought over and placed it on to a plate, my favourite plate. I felt devilish that moment because I knew what I was about to do. I walked in with a little strut and sat opposite of you. I remember your eyes roaming around the room while your hands were clasped tightly together, nervously. I feed you some cake from the fork and purposely smeared some of it on your lower lip. I remember cleaning it up with my thumb and licking it off. I felt like a temptress. Before I knew it, I was on top of you kissing you while I unbuttoned your shirt. Your hands were on my hips as you kissed my neck. Before I knew it or even you, we were there, the decision of cheating had to be made. You were on top of me and asked me so softly, _"are you sure you want to do this tonight?" _I nodded with certainty. I needed you, that was when you entered. I had to admit that it was the best moment ever. It was even greater than that day, five years ago when you kissed me underneath the mistletoe.

Back then you were still single and I was still in school. You were at the Black's house for the Orders' Christmas party. Mrs Weasley had asked you to go and get her blueberry pie from the kitchen. As you headed back into the party you spotted me sitting at the window seat with my hands supporting my head. I knew I must have captured you that moment. You walked over and placed the pie beside us. I looked into your worn face and wanted to tell you my desire. I regret not saying anything. I only smiled passionately while you asked me, _"are you feeling okay?" _I always loved your voice, it is so deep and warm. I loved how you cared. I jumped off my seat and said I was perfectly happy now because _**you were there**_. You smiled turning beet red. And then it was like God planned it, I looked up and saw the little clump of leaves and white berries over us. Mistletoe. You looked up too and saw them hanging over us. I made the first move, I stepped half an inch closer making it less than five centimetres between us. You lowered your handsome head and my nosed touched yours. I loved you so much. As our lips met, it was like an explosion happened. My heartbeat so very quickly. It was more than a friendly kiss, I know, because I felt your tongue on mine. Your arms around my waist and my hands on your face. That very moment, Fred walked in.

I now only have these memories to keep me company as you go on in your life with your perfect family. Your son was born a month ago and I love him. He looks so much like you, though, he has her ever changing hair colour. You seem happier now, perhaps, the love of your new son has changed you. You hardly come over anymore, and when you do, you drown me with your family news. I wonder if you still remember **that night**, when you were making love to me, and only me. I wish to someday see that look in your eyes, when I was on top of you_, "I can't believe my luck". _

I know students and teachers should _**never fall in love**_. The trust between the two parties will forevermore be broken. I know. That is why I did not make a move at school. I shouldn't have waited, I shouldn't. I never knew you would marry her. I thought you would wait for me. I thought you would, but you didn't. I had a hard time over coming your announcement. I had to keep it inside of me. The bitter betrayal. I asked you why you wanted to marry her, I tried to sound casual. You told me, because you just had to. I thought then that you had gotten her pregnant, but you didn't. I still do not know. I loved you., why my darling? Did you not see a future for us? I did. I could imagine you coming home from work, and I would be making you dinner and making you laugh. We would take long bubble baths and drink champagne. Perhaps, you just wanted to love me as a distant object, out of reach like a little berry encased with thorns, but not as an emotional human being that could be in your life for real.

You will never leave your wife.

Nor will I ever leave you.

**I will love you, until my dying day…**

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If you want, I will write Tonk's confession... 


	2. Chapter 2

I knew all along... I am not as clumsy and dumb as you thought, my darling. I knew from the beginning. You must think I am completely oblivious to your affair. Why did I even marry you, you must be thinking. I married because I thought I could change you. How stupid it was to think about this right now when i know you will leave me soon. This confessions of mine is not a persuasive letter in disguise to prevent you from leaving me, this is an explanation of my feelings towards you. So here I go...

I feel betrayed and raped by your supposed love for me. I will not ramble about how much I hate you because you know already. My hatred for you is as strong as a newly cut diamond and as deep as an endless pit filled with dead bodies.

I loved you from the beginning. I loved you since I met you at the order. You were shabby and distant, but sincere and genuinely real. i thought I found true love. I thought I would brighten your life with my beauty and charm. You were my everything.

I saw you that night at Mrs Weasely's Christmas party. I saw you kiss that treacherous beast. You see, I walked in right after Fred. I was the first one to leave the room. That night my heart broke and I slept with Sirius to punish you. However, you never knew I slept with him because I lied. I told you you were my first man, but that was a down right lie. My first was Sirius.

I asked you to marry me because I could not stand that home wreaking beast from looking at you in that seductive way. Every time I saw her look at you I would imagine her dying over and over again in my mind, each time worst than the last. I would laugh and die a little because I know how pathetic i was. I knew you would say yes because Mrs Weasely said that she would "do her magic" to make sure that he would. I still do not know what she did to you, but I've felt guilty since.

You told me of the time you cheated on me with that monster. You told me so I would forgive you. I told you I forgave you, but that was a lie. I hated you more than anything that moment. Remember how you told me a week from when our baby was born. The moment those ugly words slipped out of your mouth, I wanted to kill our baby. I wanted to kill him because he was half of you. When our baby came, I wanted to strangle him. Don't get me wrong, I am not psychotic.

I really thought you changed when our baby came. I really thought you did. I was so amazed at how much you loved him. But of course, that was all a deception. You did not love me anymore than before, you were still the same, cold and distant towards me. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Every night I waited for you to say something new to me, anything, but no, you didn't.

After nearly a year, we bumped into that monster again. Your eyes lit up and that shabby air to you left. You were a new man all of a sudden. I felt so horribly alone that moment with our baby in the stroller. Even though you were only a couple of inches away from me, I felt I was in birds eye view of you and that horrible creature.

That was why I made my plan.

I am a metamorphous, you can not blame me for doing what I did. I just wanted to know the truth. I morphed into that creature and met you. I wanted to get a confession or an explanation of why you cheated on me before.

When I morphed and met you at the cafe on main street you were late. I waited ten minutes, I seriously thought you weren't going to come. When you did arrive, I saw the redness of your eyes and realized that you've been crying. You looked at me and smiled softly as you sat down across from me. I ordered you a coffee and we sat there looking at each other. I felt nauseous as I sat there because I knew you were in love with the person I pretended to be. The longer we sat the more I wanted to kill myself. Then all of a sudden two tears left your eyes and I felt my own on my nose. I was crying. You stood up and threw down a ten dollar bill and headed for the door.

This was when everything started to fall apart. By the time you got to the door, I ran and wrapped my arms around your shoulders with your back to me, sobbing like there was no tomorrow. You were patting me and telling me not to cry. Hermonie walked in. Yes, the real one. You were gapping at her as I started to shake. I was mortified and I thought I would die.

Yes, you are going to leave me. You told me that you wanted sometime to think about everything. Sure...I know you better than that. I know already that you will leave as soon as you figure out what to do about our baby. You love him and want him with you, but you also know that I love him just as much.

I am not afraid to admit that I am scared. I scared about the future because you won't be there to guide me through it. I am scared that life will be very different without you. I am scared. I want to say I am sorry but I know I don't mean it completely. I am not as mean and evil as you think i am because you were the one that cheated on me. I do not think I will ever forgive you, but I can not say that I don't love you anymore. Love is something that doesn't just fade in minutes. It may take a life time.

Remember me, my darling

Don't you dare forget that I hate you to death


End file.
